Life is a strange mystery of happenings we link together in a linear fashion to chart the time spent here on Earth.
I am Bailey Sandal, and I am one such Earthling.
I was happily living in San Myshuno. It’s a little like ghetto Portland, but nice. We have a park and a festival area where we host festivals ad nauseum. We’re on the water, but there aren’t any beaches, so, uh, yeah, it’s a strange variation on hell, I’m sure.
We have an elevated train, a spice market, way too many karaoke bars, and my neighbors are pretty nice. A young couple lives across the hall from me, Jesmind and Arun.
It’s a pretty cool place. Very polyamorous friendly, too, if you catch my meaning. wink wink.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my life, to be honest. I have no ambitions, no dreams, I just sort of want to hang. I like my apartment, I like my books, I like my computer. I’m good.
I had put that out to the universe, and lo and behold I got a phone call the next day from some lawyer saying some distant… and I mean distant, relative had left me an inheritance.
Oh my god!
He asked if I want to know the conditions, but who cares, right? It’s money! And I could use some! I was just thinking I may have to get a job, and now, I’ll be rich! I may buy an ocelot!
So I took the money deal, signed all the papers… and then he tells me to actually get the money, I have to get married within 30 days.
I didn’t know what to do, so I talked it over with Jesmind, but she’s pregnant with her first child, so she’s kinda gone all ethical on me. So I bailed and went to the flea market. I asked a bunch of randos for advice. Then because that was so taxing, I went to the karaoke bar to unwind with some songs and some al-kee-haul, coz, ya know, right?
So I was sitting there, eating my free pork rinds…
And by “free” I mean I snagged them off the bar when some guy left them there.
But anyway, I was eating my rinds, drinking a grapefruit margarita… don’t judge me… and I’m thinking, there’s a ton of guys here and I’m a cute chick. I’m sure I could get one of them to agree to marry me within a month. I just need to focus, no distractions… oh and get a good prenup coz I ain’t splitting this money with no one!
So I hiked my skirt some… oh, I’m wearing pants. I adjusted the boobs so they’re doing their best to be enticing… oh, I’m wearing a t-shirt and a hoodie… I should have rethought my wardrobe.
Anyway, I started hitting on guys.
And no one was interested!
I mean, what the hell? I’m a good looking girl willing to give it away for a tiny little marriage certificate… Oh.
That’s when I remembered, every girl gives it away and they don’t want to get married.
This may be harder than I thought.
I decided to rethink my plan.
That’s when this dude with a man-bun, we’ll call him Trevor, hit me up for a duet.
I figured the night’s a wash anyway, I may as well have some fun.
So the songs were flowing alongside the drinks, and in the morning, I wake up with Trevor on a bench outside the club.
I spent a few days trying to
trick… uh get Trevor interested in marrying me. I even thought about getting knocked up so he’d be forced to marry me… men still do that, right? Plus, there’s this legend that the apartment I live in has some spooky ability to make a person living there have twins!
It’d be worth having the kids just to see if it was true!
But no dice with Trevor. He’s like all, my book this, and my blog that… I guess he’s a writer. Which is code for BO-RING!
So then later, I met this girl, Alice. She tends bar at the Stargazer Lounge, and she says the place is full of old guys looking to hit up younger women. So I decided to head over there and see what’s up.
On my first night I meet a guy, he’s probably a hundred, so some young
pussy… ahhh… chick like me will be a sweet deal for him. And he’ll probably need to nap so much I won’t have to actually fuck him. It’s win-win!
I was getting a lot more
desperate… I mean serious, at this point, so I doubled down on… what’s his name again?
We’ll call him old dude.
And soon, I had him calling me and asking me out.
So now that he was hooked, I snuggled up and start turning up the charm. He was honestly a surprisingly good kisser, so I’m thinking maybe this won’t be so bad.
We went to the flea festival together, smoked the hooka, bought some lamps, and ate some spicy crap that nearly burned my mouth out.
After, I invited him back to my place to seal the deal…
And he went for it!
The marriage, I mean. Not the sex. I still haven’t had to put out. At all! We’re just doing some heavy duty making out and that’s it! This is great!
I convinced him we didn’t want to wait, and we ran away that day and eloped!
Here’s where it gets weird, though. After the papers were signed, he goes home.
I mean, to like his home.
And I don’t hear from him for days.
I mean, I guess that’s great, right?
It’s just weird.
But I signed the inheritance papers, get my moola and buy myself a grand piano!
How cool is that!!??
I can barely fit it in my apartment, but I don’t care!
Life went back to normal after that. Oh and hey, that guy, the one I met at the karaoke bar that night? The one we called Trevor? I met him again at the spice market and guess what? His name’s not Trevor, it’s Salim!
Anyway, so he was coming over for Harvestfest the next week. I invited Jesmind and Arun, too. She had the baby and I don’t think they get out much anymore.
After Harvestfest dinner and the traditional “Appeasing of the Gnomes”, Arun took the baby home, and Jesmind, Samil, and I watched football. It was a good time, but I gotta tell you, I was wanting to mess around with Trevor… I mean Samil. I was wondering if he’d go for it. I just gotta get rid of Jesmind first.
But then after Jesmind finally went home, I put my best moves on him, and come to find out, despite the polyamorous leanings of this town, he’s got some moral compass and apparently my “being married” makes his boner fade.
So here I am, alone, but married, in this weird city, with no direction, ambition, or idea what I’m going to do with myself…
Enter the vampires.
To be continued…