My Truth in This Moment

I am officially at my heaviest weight since moving to Florida.

The past two years, life and quarantine, were not kind to my lifestyle, making me very sedentary, and I’ve gained nearly 40 pounds.

I could die.

Theatrics aside, I cannot let this continue to slide … and I don’t just mean the number on the scale.

That being said, it’s honestly my currently stamina and fitness level that makes me want to cry. I can’t walk a mile to the bus stop. Which makes me practically housebound. Which, given the current times, is somewhat fine, but also what led to this issue in the first place.

Something must be done!

I think for so many years, I kept weight as a protective layer against men. I started gaining weight when I was first married, because men hit on me all the time! And I was shy and naive and it unhinged me. The more weight I put on, the less attention I got, and there was comfort in that.

Even to this day, to a degree, that’s why I don’t care about my weight. I like the idea of the safety it gives me. Men and relationships are not my best subject. If I can use my weight to avoid them, then I don’t have to deal with it.

And that’s such a cop-out on life. I’m usually better about things like that, but when I really took myself to task last month, I realized I have so much invested in being overweight. I like it. I honestly like being fat.

Because of the weirdness that is me, and my concept of God, I had a long talk with my guides and they showed me that I was defeating my own destiny by choosing to stay fat. And I may not entirely understand that, but what I do know is that I may not be young anymore, but I’m not old either. There’s a LOT of living still ahead, a lot of adventures to take, and I can’t do it like this.

So I’ve committed a year to myself and to my body, my weight, and my fitness level. And being the perfectionist overachiever that I am, I’ve decided to see what I can really accomplish over the next year.

I’m sharing it for two reasons.

  1. It keeps me honest. This level of vulnerability will not be for nothing!
  2. I’m hoping the journey may touch others’ lives too, inspiring your journey to authenticity. Because truth be told, I couldn’t care less about the size of someone’s body, but I know that this size is not my authenticity and I need to find out what is. If you’re there, too, let’s walk together. Let’s see where we can go.

That I can get excited about.

I made this commitment about two weeks back, at my birthday. It’s a 365 adventure, birthday to birthday, but I wanted to be in the right headspace, so I had to finish some projects first to be able to invest myself heart and soul. And here I am. Honestly, I’m freaked and stressed and being a huge pain in the ass to the people around me, because I’m overreacting and freaking out at every little thing.

That may sound dumb, but if you’re reading this, I have a sneaking suspicion that you get it.

I’m trying to just trust that this will diminish as I get further into the week. I mean, once you jump off the cliff, what’s left to worry about… right?

I’ve made some initial goals below. And I’m going to make a separate post on my food plan for the month. And I’m committing to a short fitness vlog each day after a workout, but that won’t get started for a couple more weeks.

For now, that’s it, let’s launch this thing!

Samantha

Romantic and magical, Samantha lives with deep faith in the shadow of Magic Kingdom and believes destiny can never be outrun. πŸ’œβ™ΎπŸ•‰ -11 11- πŸ•‰β™ΎπŸ’œ

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