A New Level of Authenticity
Me at 16 with my first “soul mate”, Ralph.
In writing the “About” page for the site, I knew I had to hit a level of honesty I never had before. Publicly outing myself in all my weird ways, because it is time.
An excerpt from the page:
I am a star seed, twin flame, who identifies as very female. My main guides are Venus (also my ruling planet), my twin flame – who I know as Nicky, and the archangels Michael and Metatron. I’m a Libra sun, with a Capricorn moon, and a Sag rising. I was raised Christian and now consider myself “spiritual”. I was born in Los Angels, California and now live in Orlando, Florida.
Disney theme parks have defined me from the time I was five years old, directing my life path in so many ways, including my move from one side of the U.S. to the other.
It was in 2012 that I made the move to Florida. It was a calling unlike almost anything I’d ever felt. I literally packed a large suitcase, had $400, and booked a flight two weeks from the day I heard my guides say go. It was terrifying, but it’s been the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.
I’ve been a published author since 2006. I was once best known as a best-selling, award-winning, erotic romance author. I loved that season of my life. As I wrote, I worked out my own sexuality and relationship issues and was able to bless a lot of women along the way with my strange mix of spirituality and sex, which wasn’t seen anywhere else at that time.
I’m very excited about Destiny Entwined, the story I’ll be sharing with you here, starting in December. It is inspired by my own journey of awakening and the discovery of twin flames, and it’s rooted in my Disney life.
I’ve never written for anyone else to read about my guides, about being a star seed (partly because I still haven’t made peace with that myself), or been so open about my past as an erotic romance writer.
What I didn’t write there, that I will here, is that back in 2005, I was extraordinarily unhappy in my marriage. I was so deeply unsatisfied in every way imaginable, and I was coming to my own place of comfort with my body and my sexuality and I was tired of not having sex!
When I started writing erotic romance, there were several things that led me to it. But the bottom line was that I’m a romantic at heart, and writing in the straight romance genre you had to make up stupid euphemisms for sex and body parts and I just couldn’t… I wasn’t 12. I was an adult woman who wanted to use the words fuck and cock if that’s what the story called for. And it very often did, multiple times!
So I spent a few years writing about my own sexual fantasies, testing my own limits, and learning what it meant to be an author. I was shocked at how deeply my stories resonated with other women. My strange blend of sex and God hit a nerve with people, and I quickly drew a dedicated fan base.
After my divorce, I got involved with someone new… too soon… and it ended in disaster, BUT, it was in that relationship that I was pushed to finally accept god in the most real way that I ever had.
That was twofold: First, my youngest kid came to me, so afraid and resigned that she was schizophrenic. I knew she just had the same gifts I had, the ones I’d spent my whole life trying to pass off as my own form of mental illness. We were both clairaudient, and for her sake, I got honest with myself.
After that, the man I was involved with, we went through hell together, and that caused me to once and for all say to God, fine, I’m all in. Whatever you want from me… oh man, did my life shift hard after that!
Everything imploded and I was left with nothing.
Nothing but my guides who told me to move to Florida.
That’s where the suitcase and $400 bucks came in. They said book a flight, so I booked a flight for just two weeks out from that moment, and I was terrified. I didn’t know a soul in Florida, and while I made some money writing, it wasn’t really enough to live on and support my kids. Plus, I only got paid once a quarter! Have you ever tried to budget on that?
So, not easy and I was leaving whatever weird safety nets I had behind.
The hardest part, though, was that I was leaving behind my two kids.
There was no way to bring them with me when I was jumping into complete uncertainty. Granted, at the time, they were teenagers, not five-year-olds, but still…
The night before I was about to leave, the three of us were standing outside looking at a double rainbow and I told them I didn’t think I could leave them. My youngest said to me, “If you don’t get out, none of us do. You have to go.”
It broke my heart more than it had ever been broken, but she was right. They both knew it, and so did I.
So I left.
I came to Florida and I worked my ass off, and eventually brought them both here. First the youngest, just a few months later. But the oldest didn’t get to come for a few years. I worried about him every single day, and I will never forget the joy in my heart when I was finally hugging him in the Florida sunshine.
Honestly, I think if you summed up my life before Florida it would just be a long string of people hurting me, using me, and abandoning me. I added a part in the About section about getting my heart broken, but didn’t go into details. I’ve been betrayed more times than I can count. I trust way too easily and I love way too deeply. While that’s changed drastically, those betrayals are the bones in my graveyard.
My mother was the first person to break my heart, and she did it consistently from the time I was about 15 until the day I finally said “no more”, and I haven’t spoken to her in more than a decade. She wasn’t safe for me, she wasn’t safe for my kids.
I think, though, that it was Tony and Josh who broke my heart more deeply than anyone. I think, in a way, it’s because they never gave me a chance to understand what had happened and to know for myself that it was time to end things. Both these men, one a lover, one a friend, just walked away, ghosted me… and we were in it deep when they did.
Tony’s betrayal nearly did me in and since I’ve never been romantically involved with anyone since him, I do think he broke my faith in men and romantic love.
A part of me honestly hates him for that. He took something from me that no one else ever had. And while I believe in healing and forgiveness, he did me wrong in a way that can’t be undone, and that’s hard to live with some days.
That being said, my having to dig out of the ashes he left me in, and refind myself and my life, was one of the best things that’s ever happened to me because it was in that excavation that I found Disney again, and I found a deeper spirituality than my Christian roots had ever given me.
I am who I am today because of Tony Miller, and hate him a little though I do, I won’t regret meeting him and I wouldn’t take it back… well, some of it I’d like to take back, but, ya know!
Josh, wow, what’s to say there? He was my best friend. We built a Disney family together, and I shared everything with him. He was the first person since Tony that I opened up to, but then my faith was too much for his Christian upbringing and he walked away, with nothing but an email and a social media block.
It took me way longer to get over it than I wished, but I am a survivor and I will get over anything you do to me.
All that being said, I have the best freaking life now. I’m so amazingly happy most days, and grateful every second of every day. My faith is everything to me, and I trust God and my guides to death.
I wrote on the About page that my guides are Venus, Nicky, Michael, and Metatron. To color in some more shades on that, Venus has told me she’s my “mother”. I take that to mean I’m a fractal of Venus. She’s fun, harsh, and amazing. Nicky, that one’s complicated. He’s connected to someone I know here in real life, only that person has no idea. It gets freaky sometimes. Michael… well, from what I’m told, Nicky’s “human” form is a fractal of Michael. As for Metatron, I know him mostly as Enoch, but he’s my teacher, my sensei, and I know this has nothing to do with martial arts, but it’s how I think of him.
On top of those guides, I often channel Walt Disney, what may be an Arcturian named Lay-Ore, and a few other notably “dead” people. Plus a host of randoms that pop in and out depending on the day.
It’s never boring!
There’s so much more to say, but this is just the beginning of this journey. This post is like the champagne bottle on the ship’s bow.
Now let’s set sail for parts unknown. It’s an adventure and I’m always up for one of those.